How to Piss People Off
How To Piss People Off
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you still can’t
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs…
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?
SELF EVALUATION:
Self Evaluation :
The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:
Which is your favourite Teletubbie…
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
Profile for women…
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people!
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.
Profile for men…
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
FALWEL:
The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, “Teletubbies”, because, Falwell pronounced, “The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do.” But Falwell’s work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after…
Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team; “Twinkle-Toes Flintstones.” The show’s theme song ends “…we’ll have a gay old time!” He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp.
Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.
Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn’t been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin’s nickname – Boy Wonder. Batman’s real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They’re in great shape. They like to show each other their “grappling hooks.”
Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir.
The Pink Panther
Enough said.
UNAVOIDABLE LAWS:
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe…
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
17. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
18. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
SIGNS UR BROKE:
Signs You’re Broke
You know you’re really broke when…
American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don’t call you to switch anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday… just for the orange juice.
Sally Struther’s sends you food.
McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
At communion you go back for seconds.
You wash your toilet paper.
You have to save up to be poor.
You’re in college.
On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
You owe yourself money.
You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.
Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
……………………………….
STUPID QUESTIONS:
As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest…
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can’t woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
“hi, my name’s Bob. I’m an alcoholic”?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think i’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They’re both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn’t he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
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