Scientists call it fellatio. Guys who could give a damn about science call it a blowjob, a hummer, a pearl dive, etc. But no matter what you call it, having your partner go down on you is one of life’s greatest pleasures.
Sometimes, though, there are a few snags.
Unfortunately, Fellatio 101 isn’t standard classroom fare. It’s not even something the mother bird teaches its young. As a public service for anyone who has a few questions about the right techniques, here is a laundry list of tips on what guys look for — and require — in a good blowjob.
1.Don’t try so hard. Last year, my friend “Bridget” asked me why she couldn’t fellate her boyfriend to orgasm. My response? In a perfect world of Playboy and porno flicks, hummers lead to big, healthy orgasms. You know the scene: some tramp uses a pogo-like motion to deep throat her partner, only to be greeted by the requisite money-shot a mere seconds later.
I told Bridget to ignore the pot o’ pearls at the end of the rain-blow. Instead, I asked her to think of the hummer as the perfect pre-game warm-up. Think about it…What better way to prepare for the plunge than with a good wand-wash? Do runners break records without stretching? Do writers hand in first drafts? No. Like a good appetizer, I’ve found that a little sucky-sucky before the supper always makes for a pleasant dining experience.
2. Give yourself a hand. Guys spend years refining their “handy” skills before grabbing their first gobbler. And while the hand is neither moist nor equipped with a tongue, self-help is sometimes very satisfying. Therefore, I suggest women use their hands AND their mouths while orally pleasuring their partner. Ladies, the mouth alone cannot provide the surface penetration needed to excite the penis. Cover the tip with your mouth, making sure to cover your teeth with your lips. Swirl the tongue around the head and shaft. Then grasp your boy’s toy so that your forefinger is touching your lips. Using your mouth and your hands in unison, begin the up and down motion. Glance up and admire his smile.
3. Ignore the “spit versus swallow” argument. Some men SWEAR that sperm swallowing is really a test used to measure the amount of trust a woman has for them. I’ll probably lose my union membership for this, but it really doesn’t matter. If you can cause the eruption, you’re a goddess. Draw the pearly white lava and we will worship your volcanoes to no end.
4. Bring the noise. Since “blowing” never really comes into play with a blowjob (well, for females, really), you’ve probably wondered where the term “hummer” comes from. Well, just like you ladies enjoy some good vibrations, we guys like the 1,200 beats-per-minute action, too. As you’re fellating away, hum a few bars from Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.” Okay, maybe a better song. In any event, vocal vibrations translate well to the penis. If you’re a real sweetheart, though, you’ll hum his favorite tune.
5.Don’t get all Hollywood. You’ve seen Kevin Smith’s “Clerks,” right? You remember the scene where America was introduced to “snowballing,” right? Forget that scene.
Obviously, no two men are alike. Different folks take different strokes — not to mention tongue patterns. If you’re really looking to deliver perfect oral pleasure, ask him to guide you through. It’ll open up your lines of communication, turn the sexual experience into a learning one — and give you an excuse to make some suggestions yourself.
Just because a woman can’t get pregnant by giving head doesn’t mean oral sex is totally safe sex. Though the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases or HIV is much lower with oral sex than with anal or vaginal sex, there still are risks. To make oral sex as safe as possible, there are a few steps you can take.According to the STD Education Unit of San Francisco Department of Public Health, for maximum protection you should use a non-lubricated latex condoms without spermicide. If you don’t like the taste, try flavored condoms. If you really don’t want to use a condom while performing oral sex on a man, the STD Education Unit suggests a few alternatives.Avoid taking cum in your mouth or leaving it in someone else’s mouth. If you get cum in your mouth, spit it out.Avoid sucking if you have bleeding gums, sores, abscessed teeth, or have just gone to the dentist. These could make it easier for HIV and STDs to enter the body. Wait until they heal.
Do not brush or floss your teeth right before or after having sex. For fresh breath, try chewing gum or rinsing with mouthwash.
Look closely for sores or blisters on the genitals, mouth or lips. If sores or blisters are visible, avoid oral sex. Remember, though, it’s not always possible to see sores or blisters.
Avoid deep throating. This may irritate the lining of the throat, making it easier for HIV and STDs to enter the body.
Image Courtesy: Amazon.com book by Marcy MichaelsIf you liked this article, click here to buy me a beer!