The Nicks of Hazard: Do you attract cops on the road?

Are you a cop magnet on the road? Alex Smith shares your pain. And he’s got some suggestions for you.

They’re out to get me. I know it. Every time I pull my car onto the open road, I find myself constantly looking over my shoulder. It doesn’t matter how smoothly I drive or how closely I adhere to the sacred rules of the road. Sooner or later, the flashing lights will be in the rearview, and I’ll be issued another ticket.

The thing is, I honestly am a good driver. I obey stop signs. I always recognize another motorist’s right of way. If I see an older person driving, I give them plenty of space, and won’t tailgate no matter how far below they speed limit they crawl. I am, by and large, the kind of driver you’d feel safe to ride with.

The Department of Motor Vehicles (a.k.a. “The Gestapo”) would disagree. My list of convictions reads like a criminal’s rap sheet and makes me out to some maniacal Mad Max wannabe. With only two points remaining on my soiled license , each driving decision must be carefully calculated. I am on the edge of losing my independence, and let me tell you, it’s not a good feeling.

The problem is not one of driving skill. I have never been in a collision, or fender bender, or even a near-miss. Mine is an issue of timing. Whenever I make the slightest bit of human error behind the wheel, there is a police officer present to see it. It’s amazing.

It all started when I was sixteen. After taking a 20-question written test, I was ready to begin my formative instruction. It was a real father/son bonding time. He would pass down his sage driving advise; I would pay careful attention. But with all the things I had to take into consideration, I failed to notice that my velocity had drifted slightly above the posted limit. Before I knew it, the flashing lights were in the rear-view, and I was receiving my first yellow slip.

“But Officer,” I said, my voice quavering, “I’m driving on a learners permit. Aren’t I supposed to make mistakes?” He hoisted up his gun belt with his left hand, and pushed his bad cop sunglasses back with the right. “Son, the same rules apply for everyone. You should have practiced more in your driveway.”

But that’s just the thing. I had practiced. I had spend nearly 15 hours in the local A&P parking lot after hours, learning everything from controlling a skid to parallel parking. My father was very serious about it; we’d actually set up cones in a makeshift slalom course that I would negotiate at regular driving speeds. The whole thing may seem a little excessive, but it did prepare me for most driving situations.

Since then it’s only gotten worse. In five years of driving, my accolades include Speed Not Prudent, 54 in a 40, 35 in a 20, insufficient rear tail light, illegal lane change, overdue registration, and — my most recent achievement — non seatbelt use, driver. All totaled, I’ve spend more that twice the value of my car on various fines and court fees. A year’s worth of auto insurance is comparable to what I spend on groceries over the same period.

The responsibility for many of these violations is mine. Not because I broke the law, but because I didn’t know how to talk my way out of the situation. My tickets, while numerous, can’t begin to represent the number of times I’ve been pulled over and have talked my way clear. This is, perhaps, the most important piece of motoring knowledge I’ve obtained. Not how to drive, but how to explain your mistakes in doing so.

Here’s a few gems from my own experience, intended to help motorists that suffer the same injuries that I have.

    * “Officer, I’m so sorry I was speeding. I have that stomach flu that’s going around, and terrible diarrhea. I was just trying to get to the McDonalds down the street so I could use the bathroom.” This requires a little acting. Hold your stomach, and look adequately uncomfortable. If you should use this, say it desperately, before he asks for your license and registration. You’ll be on your way in no time.
    * Sometimes, the honest approach yields the best results. “I’m sorry, Sir. I just have a lot a bad stuff going on right now, and my mind was on other things. I promise to slow it down, Sir.” Remember, call the cop Sir or Officer. Inflate their ego, and recognize the fact that they’re in control of the situation. Even if they have jelly donut on their chin. Last year I was adjusting my radio and ended up swerving towards the right shoulder. When I saw spinning red (and I knew I would), I was ready.
    * “I know, officer, it was a bad move. But a plastic bag blew into the road from the left, and out of the corner of my eye, it looked like a ball. I thought I kid might be chasing it.” Concern for the welfare of children, an admission of your mistake and a slight bending of the truth are excellent evasive driving techniques.

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. If it seems impossible to obey the traffic laws, it probably is; at least for you. So build up your confidence and learn to avoid costly fines. You’ll probably still end up paying something, because some officers just won’t be persuaded, no matter how many out-of-control baby carriages you had to avoid.

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