THE 1 HIT WONDER

You will never hear this guy/girl ever say anything, whether it be to other students or the professor. Then one day, after looking extremely intense or constipated for an hour straight, they will say something so gloriously insightful that it will bring tears to the eyes of everyone who bears witness to it.
Then they will never speak again.

THE KID THAT FUCKING NO-ONE LIKES
This kid is a douche bag! And for arguments sake let’s call him “DANNY” You desperately want to punch him in his ear, but he’s disabled. And because he disabled he makes sure to piss EVERYONE OFF with extra annoyance on the side. This kid will sometime attempt to befriend you then manage to say or do something so unspeakably rude or offer some sort of backwards compliment. Parties disassemble whenever this Ass hat manages to find his way to one. Everyone avoids him but secretly watches him to see if he will lose a crutch while walking or roll down the stairs just to get in a good chuckle.

THE SUBURBAN RAPPER
The Suburban Rapper can be found in any common area, listening to his own music on his IPOD at an unreasonable volume. Generally (but not always) white, he awkwardly uses the words Dog, Crib, Homie, Phat, G, or Ill. If he spots you, he’ll ask you to “peep this new track yo,” or attempt to sell you tickets to his half-assed concert. His music is generally unbearable, and if you’re lucky, you can get away with only hearing a few verses. He always seems surprised that his poser antics never land him a girl, or a record deal.

ACTIVIST ANNIE
Somewhat related to the man-hating feminist but has plenty more to piss her off than just men. Needs to get involved in every civil rights or ultra liberal campaign that has ever been mentioned on campus. Tries to make a cause out of every problem anybody has with authority, no matter how absurd or completely unfounded the complaint.

YOU’RE A LITTLE TOO OLD TO BE HERE GUY
Usually in the 28-32 year range, this species refuses to let go of the joys of college. Can be found on campus seven days a week, and is always present at EVERY SINGLE FRAT PARTY. Will give you some lame, shady excuse why he’s still in college, and will then befriend you so he can abuse the T1 connection in your dorm room to download porn. Most often has no friends his own age, is unemployed and still lives with his parents. Because he is older than everyone else, he will constantly criticize everyone for acting like children, but will then throw a tantrum when you won’t let him play a game of HALO. He loves crappy beer, joints and the cheapest cigarettes available. You can recognize him by his weird and outdated taste in clothing and his fondness for 80’s rock music. Usually very loud, obnoxious and opinionated in the classroom, with traits similar to that of THE EXAM BEGGER and THE INTELLECTUAL SUPERHERO.

THE EXAM BEGGER
This person cannot take a test without first begging for as much review or information as possible. They cannot prepare for a test without first knowing seemingly unimportant details like “How many questions are on this test?” They will beg for extra review sessions, extra credit, and to know the exact breakdown of how the test is scored. They will waste the whole class when a test is announced if the professor doesn’t shut them up. They will also spend the entire first session of a class, when the syllabus is presented trying to make homework a much higher percentage of the total grade.

BIBLE SLUT
Generally starts out being the CONVERTER, straight-laced and conservative; they go to church every week and brag about that fact often. This person even has the ability to recite any and every bible verse from memory. Then THE LUCKY BASTARD or JOHNNY THREE LEGS introduces them to the marvels of SEX,and it’s all down hill from there, as they descend into the foul pits of whoredom. They of course will still go to Church every week in order to keep up a facade of piety, singing the glories of baby Jesus.

THE BABYFACE
This kid graduated high school early, but doesn’t really make a big deal about it. Because of this, his social skills are somewhat undeveloped, and he is quick to attach himself to social groups in order to gain acceptance. Said social groups are quick to make him the subject of their corruption projects, and take great pleasure in getting him drunk/laid/stoned for the first time.

THE AMICABLE ATHLETE
Sort of the polar opposite of the Hillbilly Gangster, the Amicable Athlete is usually about 6 foot three, weighing in at 225 pounds, and looks like Sam Jackson on steroids. Attending college on a sports scholarship, the Amicable Athlete probably works a cushy job at a car dealership, gets more tail than you can possibly imagine, is more or less constantly high on primo weed all of the time, and is smart enough to know that he’s in for an easy ride and to enjoy it and throws great parties! While he might never turn pro, there’s a good chance he’ll get a good gig on the local AM sports radio station

Rules of Drinking 

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn’t play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

Book Ends : Returning your texts to the bookstore is the least creative way to end a semester. 

Exams are finally over and it’s time to unload your used books. If you’re like most students, you’re probably dreading the moment of truth.

    You: Hello, good-looking bookstore associate! How are you today? Here are my used books and the receipts.

    Clerk: I’ll give you $20 for all of them, except those really heavy ones you lugged over here.

    You: But I paid $400 for them four months ago, and I never even opened them up!

    Clerk: Next in line, please.

We all know how bad it feels to end up with $20 in your pocket and a pile of heavy books at your feet. What now?

That depends on whether you want to make sure your books don’t go to waste, or whether you’re just concerned about getting your cash back.

Used College Textbooks in a bookstoreWaste Not, Want Not
If you want to make sure your books are put to good use, you have lots of options. Plenty of students would be happy to use your books, no matter what condition they’re in. Professors often assign the same titles year after year and will be happy to pass your tomes on to students who later take the same class. The administrative assistant in your major department can also help you donate books to younger students in your field.

Textbook Tech
Having trouble selling your textbooks? Let the Internet sell them for you.

Some School-operated Sites
Some schools have Web-based book-selling programs which allow students to buy and sell books. Your school may have one you can use. If not, one listed below might come in handy. Check the system before you try another school’s electronic book-selling system, though; some sell only by course. Also remember the rate of mailing the book over long distances may not make a long-distance purchase worth your effort, even if you mail it by book rate.
Texas Tech University
University of Texas
Boston University

The Parent Trap: Spending a summer at home with the parents can be enough to drive anyone nuts.

One of life’s most unsettling (but enlightening) periods is the first month home after your freshman year in college. The pure freedom of school — freedom to make big decisions, stay out all night and make big mistakes — can make returning home a big drag. Especially once you realize home is exactly how you left it.

They say you can’t go home again. It’s true: you’ve changed, and your perspective will never be the same even when you go back to a familiar place. That’s what causes problems with the family.

You’ll realize things have changed the first time you go out with friends. Your mom will ask, “Where are you going?” or your dad will say, “When will you be home?”

I still cringe when I remember the first time my mom asked me those questions after I started college. I was used to setting my own schedule and her innocent queries sounded unbelievably intrusive.

In the old days teenagers just left home and never came back. They either got married or got jobs. But when average young adults started going off to college, a “boomerang” effect was born. Students left their parental nests seeking independence, only to return at the school year’s end.

Your parents will see you returning to their nest for the summer and they’ll plan to protect you and nurture you just like they did for your first 18 years. They don’t mean to squash your newfound independence, they’re just doing what they know.

Help them out. Let them be the best parents they can be — and by making some easy concessions, you’ll get your way in the end.

Always tell them where you are going and when you will be home. (Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but there’s a strategy here.) Tell them you are going to shoot pool, or to see a movie, or something else that’s relatively mundane. The more information you can give them, the better they’ll feel.

Models.edu : College students sashay down runways and work it for the cameras between classes. It’s a tough life, being beautiful.
   
A Student model walks the runway at a fashion showIt’s inevitable. Whenever 19-year-old Samantha Olander goes out, she can expect stares, double takes and the question, “Are you a model?”

The embarrassed blonde-haired, blue-eyed junior at Baldwin-Wallace College usually answers, “sort of.” While many college students entertain the notion or delusion that they could be models, Olander is an exception: she balances the difficult life of being both a pre-med student and a professional model for a company in her hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.

But it’s not easy. Olander, a 6-foot, 1-inch runway model, says a fashion show is a major time commitment. Between travel time, hair and makeup styling, fittings, breaks, rehearsal and the actual show, almost eight hours have passed. Though she says “my work is my fun,” she knows she cannot afford to model full-time — school is her job.

“Being a model is being available,” Olander said. “It’s hard for an agency to book me when I put classes before them. Once you refuse jobs [so] much, they’re not going to call you anymore.”

Even though modeling assignments in smaller markets like Cleveland can pay as much as $300 a show, entry into the industry can be expensive. A portfolio of professional pictures can cost hundreds of dollars; and they must be updated frequently. “I didn’t have the money to put into it to get what I wanted out of it,” said Olander, who finances her own education with another part-time job.

She didn’t have the time either.

“Most girls in college full-time can’t really model because it’s a day job,” said Kristi McOrmack, a spokeswoman in the marketing division of Wilhelmina Models, Inc. But college students who model “do exist,” McOrmack said. They just attend school at night, defer college for a few months, or work during holiday breaks and the summer. “The downside is that they won’t be able to work as much,” McOrmack said.

Jose Ortiz, director of new faces at Boss Models in New York City, agrees.

“It’s a major disciplinary situation but it’s possible,” Ortiz said. Models go to class very early in the morning or at night so they can make their day appointments, he said.

Code Blue : Security telephones, with their cool blue lights, are all over campuses. But they’re rarely used, officials say.

Security at College CampusesCampus security telephones, often topped with signature blue lights, reassure students that help is always nearby. But they don’t make campuses safer, according to college public safety officers and students, many of whom have never used the telephones.

“They seem to make people feel safe,” said Mike Irwin, a senior at Yale University, where the security telephones are prevalent. He said he’d never used one.

“Students have indicated that they feel safer that blue light phones are there,” said Skoulfos, a former director of security services at the University of Pennsylvania. “It’s a psychological thing, like walking down a lighted street versus a dark street.”

In an ironic twist, seeing the phones can actually give the students a false perception of safety, which could make the area less safe for students if they let down their guard.

“I feel more secure in their immediate vicinity,” said Cathy Abrams, a senior at Brown University. “But when I see one a few blocks away, I don’t feel so secure because now I’m thinking about safety and I see the phone a few blocks away.”

“I try and tell people this is not going to save your life,” Skoulfos said. He said officers usually respond to calls from the telephones in an average of three minutes, which can be a long time if you’re in real physical danger.

“There’s a comfort level of having them there,” said Ken Finnegan, assistant director of security at Columbia University. Located in an urban environment known for high crime, Columbia has security phones both on campus and neighboring blocks.

But in his four years at Columbia, he couldn’t remember an incident when police intervened as a result of a security phone call, nor did he know of any arrests. He estimated that the telephones are used for just five to 10 actual emergencies each year. In fact, only one security administrator that AskStudent.com contacted, an assistant police chief at Northwestern University said he knew of an incident where campus police stopped a crime in progress because a student used the security telephone.