I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face

Tour of Duty : Spending time with your significant other’s parents can be a real stressfest.

I’m heading out to the Midwest in a couple weeks to visit my girlfriend’s family. It’s the first time I’ve ever stayed with them. I’m nervous about it, so I turned to my older brother Jack for advice.

Jack is getting married in August, and he’s made the dreaded visit to his girlfriend’s family. I asked him how I can impress the family-in-law.

He replied:

    To: [email protected]

    From: [email protected]

    Subject: Advice on meeting prospective in-laws

    1. Don’t eat other people’s food, even if they’re full.

    2. Don’t hold hands with male relatives of your girlfriend in any manner which might be construed as “different” or “special.”

    3. Don’t eat your own food with just a knife and a stabbing motion. Try to use the full range of utensils.

Apparently he was just suggesting I avoid the mistakes he made.

Knowing Jack’s inability to distinguish between being full and being sick in a Homeresque fashion, (Ooo .. my stomach doesn’t feel so good. Still some ribs left. Must keep eating) the first and third commandments of good etiquette did not surprise me. The second one required some explanation.

More Advice

#1. “Do not start any funny story you’re telling her family with the words: ‘I was so wasted,’ ‘I was so drunk,’ or ‘I woke up in this Dumpster.’

#2. Do not show them your ability to hotwire a Buick with your eyes closed.

#3. Do not make jokes about that funny mole on your girlfriend’s butt.

#4. Use the words “Sir” and “Ma’am” as often as possible.

#5. Clear the table at least once.”

#6. Talk about how you survived meeting the ‘rents.