So you finally made it. Whether “made it” means graduation, the end of final exams or another, non-academic definition, now is a great month for college students. It’s time to celebrate.
Different cultures celebrate momentous occasions in different ways. Some fire guns into the air. Others sacrifice a fatted calf. For contemporary American college students, drinking is often the celebratory ritual of choice.
Unfortunately, for many college students, drinking means little more than chugging down cheap, warm beer at a frat party or in a dorm room. That’s a damn shame. Drinking is so much more than a just means of getting drunk. It’s about community, tradition, bonding and reminiscing. It’s also a means of getting laid. There’s a world of drinking fun out there that most college students have foolishly failed to explore. But don’t lose heart.
There’s no time like the present to make up for past shortcomings. Simply drink everything on the following list — at the appropriate occasion, not all at once — and you’ll have a hell of a drunken month. You can even feel free to consider yourself a drinking pro.
One part vodka, one part gin, one part rum, two parts lemonade and one part cranberry juice. This relaxing summer favorite is perfect for sipping outside on a warm day after final exams. Or inside, during said exams. This second option has been known to both relieve stress, and hasten expulsion. Drink at your own risk. As an added bonus, it contains three of the four alcoholic food groups. Take shots of whiskey between sips for a balanced alcohol meal.
Three parts vodka, one part Kalua, splash of heavy cream. If you’ve ever seen “The Big Lebowski,” you know that this drink is synonymous with lazy. The perfect drink for sitting at home, entertaining company, or guzzling at a bar after your last final exam.
Old English 800
If you had to pick two words associated with college, budget and alcohol would be pretty good choices. Enter budget alcohol. Malt liquor, to be precise. Old English tastes like week old urine, but packs a surprising punch. The forty ounce bottles don’t hurt the drinking experience either. Down one and feel frisky. Two will start you stumbling. And three will do you fine. Anything beyond that should be consumed only at your own risk. Old English, or anything else in a 40 for that matter, is best consumed on a front porch or balcony while staring at or heckling passers by.
Warning #1: Don’t heckle by throwing empty bottles at strangers.
Warning #2: This is not the best drink to inaugurate your passing into the world of career and responsibility after graduation.
Nothing says party like pineapple. Mix one part pineapple vodka, one part peach schnapps, and one part pineapple juice. Take off your shoes, put on a Hawaiian shirt and load up the rim of your glass with pineapple slices, little umbrellas and plastic monkeys. If you’re not in the mood for sipping, a fun variation of the pineapple bomb is the pineapple-lemon shot.
1) Coat a wedge of lemon with sugar.
2) Take a shot of pineapple vodka.
3) Suck lemon. 4) Repeat. 5) Pass out.
One and a half parts vodka, one part blue curacao, four parts orange juice. Spring is in the air. Flowers are blooming, birds are singing, school is ending. What better time for a green drink? The color may be a little off putting, but the taste, and the punch, will keep the soylent flowing. Just so you know, this soylent green is not people.
Before you can party, you have to study. This high-caffeine beverage, and its predecessors: Mountain Dew, coffee and coca leaves, have been invaluable to generations of procrastinating students. After an all night Jolt session, you’ll be twitching, nauseous and have bloodshot eyes, but you can console yourself with the thought that the real drinking can soon begin.
After exams, you can put an interesting twist on this study staple by combining Jolt with gin to form a Jolt cocktail. Vary the proportions according to how quickly you want to end your evening of drinking.
Sex on the Beach
One and a half parts peach schnapps, one part vodka, two parts pineapple juice, one part cranberry juice. Who doesn’t want sex on the beach after graduation? This drink is great because of all the wonderful pick up line and pun possibilities associated with the name. Same goes for a Blow Job: One part kalua, one part Irish Cream, one part Creme de Bananes (optional), whipped cream.
Huh? Maybe you’ve had it with your parents. Or at a New Year’s party. But for most college students, this pricey treat remains a bit of an enigma. Get your parents to buy you a bottle or two of the bubbly after graduation, and see what all the hype is about.
Foundation of all life, coverer of most of the Earth’s surface and cure for the common hangover. If you haven’t yet tried this tasty treat, give it a shot (or have it in big glasses or straight from the tap.) It tastes nothing like alcohol, and many college students enjoy a glass or two after a long night of drinking or throwing up. It’s even good for keeping you from passing out on a hot day. For experienced drinkers, try spicing up your next glass with lemon and sugar for a delightful warm weather cocktail.
Ryan Ferone is willing to try any drink, but he’ll always have a special place in his heart for warm, cheap beer.